book recommendations
We received many books from thoughtful friends after Rader died, and others I sought out myself to meet specific needs. I'm listing them here alphabetically by author for now. I'm including publication dates, but many have been reprinted and possibly updated. My reviews are incomplete. Some books I recall having read, but at the time I didn't make notes about what was helpful within. If you have a question about my thoughts on a specific book, it might be easiest to send me an email through the CONTACT section at the top left of the page.
My Son... My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide by Iris Bolton (1983)Iris Bolton holds nothing back in telling the story of losing her son. She shares much of what helped her and the ways she has been able to help others. I know for me, the possibility of standing with someone else in their pain is something that gives me the hope of—not of "meaning" or "good" coming out of it, necessarily—but of Rader's death not being entirely in vain. If I can support others in their loss and if I can shine a light in the darkness, I have hope myself.
Here If You Need Me: A True Story by Kate Braestrup (2007)My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I first heard Kate Braestrup tell a story called The House of Mourning in 2015 on "The Moth" true story podcast, and what I learned from that story helped me be at peace with my own decision and my surviving child's decision whether or not to see Rader's body after his death. This memoir is brilliant, touching, and wonderful. Everyone should read it; it's not just for people in grief. Also go listen to the Moth story. It will fill up your heart.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove (1976, updated 1991)My rating: 3 of 5 stars
This book has very short chapters and so is one of the first books I was able to read (a little at a time) in very early grief when it's hard to focus. The reason I gave it three stars is only because I found many of the chapters seemed to relate more to the loss of romantic love than my own loss of a child. At the time I was reading it, it seemed this book was not meant specifically for me. Still a good and useful book.
It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine (2017)My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This one is the best, the most useful, of all the books I've read since Rader died. Megan Devine GETS IT. I was lucky enough to hear her speak at a local grief workshop, where I bought this book and she autographed it for me. She has created a community of grievers, the Tribe of After, that is incredibly supportive. Her Writing Your Grief 30-day course was revolutionary for me. Find her at refugeingrief.com.
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (2005)I heard about this book over and over as I struggled to keep moving on my grief journey, and finally read it at the beginning of my second year without Rader. Didion is a gifted writer who was well known long before the events of this book, and "The Year of Magical Thinking" is a raw and thoughtful memoir. I wonder if she ever resented, as I do, that the death of her loved one gave her, as a writer, something important to say.
Mourning Discoveries Family Care Series by Linda B. Findlay
During my first holiday season after Rader’s death, I received the ‘navigating through grief during the holidays’ book from an event I attended. Findlay shares quotes from a variety of sources including some of the hundreds of bereaved people she has interacted with since becoming a bereaved parent herself in 1989. She also offers no-nonsense advice with a huge dose of compassion and understanding. She includes a worksheet/checklist from the American Hospice Foundation for determining what holiday traditions you choose to observe, which you would prefer to set aside this year, and where you might like to try something new. I haven’t yet read the other books in her series. I’ll update when I do. You can order the books from The Grief Toolbox.
No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine (1997)My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I read this book on a plane trip about 13 months after Rader's death. In it, Fine examines the loss of her husband, but also she has interviewed dozens of people who have lost loved ones to suicide. She chronicles experiences common among survivors as well as their individual struggles and triumphs. Definitely reinforced that I am not alone.
Healing After Loss:: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman (1994)Here's another book that's written in short pieces, intended to be read just a paragraph or so per day. Each day has a quote and then some reflections on it, and a one- or two-sentence hopeful conclusion at the bottom of each page. Easy to read in early grief.
On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (2005)Kübler-Ross has been given a lot of grief, so to speak, over misinterpretations of her "Five Stages of Loss." She first identified the stages in studying people with terminal illness, written about in her book, "On Death and Dying." The now-ubiquitous stages were never intended as a definitive roadmap for people in grief over the loss of a loved one. Some grievers have taken issue with the fact that people in their lives who have heard of the five stages expect them to progress along a linear path and "get over" their losses in an orderly and timely fashion. In this book she and long-time co-author David Kessler do explore the stages in relation to the bereaved. I haven't read much of the book yet, so can't say if they're successful in debunking the myth.
Hope for Hurting Hearts by Greg Laurie (2008)This book was given to my husband at work, and just recently came home from the office. So I haven't read it yet. Written by a pastor who lost his grown son in a car accident.
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (1961)Another classic you're likely to hear about if you're reading books on grief. I haven't read it yet.
How Will I Get Through the Holidays? 12 Ideas for Those Whose Loved One Has Died by James E. Miller (1996)My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This one I received when I went to a workshop about how to grieve through the holiday season, something I was quite concerned about after the first Halloween turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. The "12 ideas" are in fact very practical pieces of advice. This book was what I needed when I needed it.
How to Be a Good Creature: A Memoir in Thirteen Animals by Sy Montgomery (2018)
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A hardback with an invitingly illustrated colorful paper dust jacket and deckle-edged pages, its looks were what enticed me to pick up this book. I love a good memoir, and the description of this one made it seem likely to speak into my life as it is right now: mourning the loss of a child to suicide, figuring out what my purpose is now and how to be the mom my surviving child needs. “It ... explores vast themes: the otherness and sameness of people and animals; the various ways we learn to love and become empathetic; how we find our passion; how we create our families; coping with loss and despair; gratitude; forgiveness; and most of all, how to be a good creature in the world.” This book was exactly what I hoped.
Answers about the Afterlife: A Private Investigator's 15-Year Research Unlocks the Mysteries of Life after Death by Bob Olson (2014)Haven't read this one yet.
Melissa: A Father's Lessons from a Daughter's Suicide by Frank Page (2013)My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Why did I rate this one four stars instead of five? I don't remember. Possibly because it's written from an overtly Christian perspective, which I don't share. But I remember that it was very honest, and also that I appreciated the fact he includes a passage at the end of each chapter written specifically to the person who may be thinking of suicide. It is a great book I recommend, but if you think it's not for you because of its spiritual perspective, you might be right.
ABCs of Healthy Grieving: A Companion for Everyday Coping by Harold Ivan Smith (2001)I bought this book after hearing Dr. Smith speak at a grief workshop. It wasn't long after Rader's death, and I wasn't reading much at that point, and I haven't picked this book up since. However, like some other books mentioned above, it has very short chapters for the purpose of not asking too much of the grieving reader. I'll update after I spend some time with it, but it seems like this book could be a thoughtful gift.
A Long-Shadowed Grief: Suicide and Its Aftermath by Harold Ivan Smith (2007)Dr. Smith recommended this book to me when I met him after his keynote speech at a grief workshop hosted by Thomas McAfee Funeral Homes just a few months after Rader died. He was a fascinating and compassionate speaker. I haven't read it yet but will update when I do.
My Living Will: A Father’s Story of Loss & Hope by John Trautwein (2014)
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
John Trautwein and I haven't met, but we are members of the same club. It's a club neither one of us wants to belong to, which he refers to in his memoir — My Living Will: A Father's Story of Loss & Hope — as "the saddest club on earth." We are parents who have lost a child to suicide.
I recommend My Living Will to anyone who has lost a loved one, especially a teenager, to suicide. And if you're lucky enough not to be a member of the saddest club on earth, there are still a lot of reasons to read My Living Will. You might learn something that will open the door for you to help someone else who, like Will, or Rader, may be struggling in silence. Especially if you have teenagers, take the time to read this book, and then talk with them about it. It could even be the difference between life and death.
Confessions of a Funeral Director: How the Business of Death Saved My Life by Caleb Wilde (2017)My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Caleb Wilde briefly followed the Rader Ward Foundation Twitter account: long enough for me to discover I had already bought his book for my Kindle, and it was just waiting for me to get ready to read it. I read it in one day, and sometime during that day, he unfollowed me, so I couldn't send him a direct message letting him know how much I appreciated his writing. I rated it four stars only because it wasn't as life-changing for me as "It's OK ..." or Kate Braestrup's memoir. I would give it 4 1/2 if I could, but Goodreads doesn't allow fractions!
The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies? by Nisha Zenoff (2017)I haven't finished this one yet, but it's really good! Zenoff lost a teenage son in a hiking accident in 1980. For this book, she interviewed many parents who have lost children. In some ways, then, it's similar to "No Time to Say Goodbye," where the sharing of other people's experiences helps you feel not so alone in your own. I highly recommend this one for any bereaved parent.
Book recommendation lists from other sites:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, books for loss survivors
Families for Depression Awareness, books and memoirs