Busy, not a lie. How am I doing it? How am I getting through these days and weeks? I am keeping myself busy.
I am teaching my indoor rowing classes. Those feel wonderful. Every class is progress toward my goal of 5 million lifetime meters before I turn 50 next month. I am on track to reach that goal in class next Thursday morning. I have a kinship with my fellow rowers. I feel at home in the gym. I admit that sometimes when the folks there ask "how are you today?", I say I am fine when I am not fine. But it feels very fine to be there, to be in that community. So that part is true. I am busy taking care of my body and spirit.
I make these posts every day. I made a commitment to myself when I launched this website last June 7, the first anniversary of Rader's death, that I would post one thing every day. I understand the world will not come to an end if I fail to do so. But so far, I have. I think about what would help me, or what would help you, or what made-up "holiday" it might be, and I post something. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I am busy putting good things out into the world.
I take care of my plants. Before Rader died, I had three or maybe four houseplants I paid minimal attention to. Now I have dozens I dote over, many of which we received in condolence. We've converted our formal living room (it never functioned as that anyway) into a conservatory, a solarium. My real sun-loving plants have moved out to the deck for the summer. And I'm even growing plants in the ground, since one of my rowers gave me a bag of elephant ear bulbs. Nurturing the plants gives me a place to expend some of my maternal energies. I am busy tending to these vibrant little green lives. They thrive, I thrive.
I am making real progress with the foundation scholarship fund. Our first scholarships will soon be awarded for use this fall. At least a couple of kids like Rader will be able to spend another year at Montessori school instead of in public school. Not all kids find success in the traditional public school environment. Not all families can afford to do something different. I am busy making a difference for creative kids like Rader.
I write every day. I take 10,000 Fitbit steps every day. I do housework. Most days I bake bread. I spend time with friends and family. I read. I'm still a mom. I'm a wife. I'm a daughter and a sister. I am busy.
These days are hard. Grief is not linear, and there is no way out, but I am busy moving through.