poetry month: look back

Here we are: The final “Two-for-Tuesday” day today. And after today, only two more prompts to go. For today’s prompt:

1. Write a look back poem and/or…

2. Write a don’t look back poem. Because some folks just want to keep their eyes on the road ahead.

   — Robert Lee Brewer, Writer’s Digest

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look back

I have to look back
because ‘back’ is the only place my son lives

I carried him for 9 months,
he was born,
he lived and thrived,
fought and struggled,
almost made it to 16,
and then was gone.

So I have to look back
because he’s not in the future
and I won’t let go

Every day
is a day farther away
from the span of his existence

I can’t, I wouldn’t,'
turn back time,
but neither do I march fearlessly ahead

I dwell in both places
doing what I can to survive
a fragmented life.

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“Don’t look back” is such a common saying. But it’s really not even possible. All of us decide how to live and behave today based on what we have learned from the multitude of our previous experiences. If we didn’t look back, we’d never get anywhere, because we would keep making the same mistakes and never figure out how to advance.

I don’t spend my days reminiscing about the past, about my life with Rader in it. I’m not stuck there, but I definitely visit! Today, nearly three years after his death, I have a rewarding and fulfilling existence. But his life has a profound influence on mine every day.

Albus Dumbledore told Harry Potter regarding the Mirror of Erised, in which Harry was able to see himself together with his late parents, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.” I agree. I look back, and ahead.

two poem Tuesday: love and anti-love

We’re three weeks into the challenge now, which means “Two-for-Tuesday” day today. This is the one I break out every challenge (alumni know which one I’m talking about).

For today’s prompt:

1. Write a love poem and/or…

2. Write an anti-love poem. Because some folks just aren’t that into love poems.

Remember: These prompts are just springboards; you have the freedom to jump in any direction you want. In other words, it’s more important to write a new poem than to stick to the prompt. — Robert Lee Brewer, Writer’s Digest

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I haven’t written two poems on either of the previous Tuesdays this month. I’ll try today to write both instead of choosing one.

anti-love

There’s an ugly wound
on my soul
from the blunt force trauma
of losing a child to suicide

It’s the kind of thing
you always hide
in polite company
and even now
I hesitate
to say any more,
to tell the thing I came to tell.

The wound gives me thoughts
that should not be expressed
There’s a tiny voice I suppress
— would never say out loud —
every time I hear the news
someone is expecting.

I’m so happy for you!
Children are such a blessing.
But the wound whispers darkly
so only I can hear,
”I hope they don’t grow up to break your heart.”

love

it was love
that wrought
my devastation

— anyone
who has lost someone
understands —

and love
has been the only thing
to begin to revive
the damaged parts of me

a paradox:
that which harms also heals
somehow the seed of my destruction
yet is the source of my redemption

such power

I want to wield it well

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So one thing about these poetry exercises is that they’re not all successful. I don’t wrap it up every day thrilled with what I’ve written. Maybe I come back and do some revisions. Every first effort could be improved with some additional attention. Or maybe I call it good enough and move on.

These days, so much depends on the energy I have. Am I fighting just to get through another day of self isolation without alienating the people I love? Yesterday I was so grouchy. Everything seemed bleak, and it was hard not to take it out on my husband, who is the only other person in my household right now. And he’s working — although things are weird, he still gets to leave the house and see people and maintain whatever sense of normalcy is possible under the extraordinary conditions of life at this moment.

So today’s poems, I don’t think they’re so great. But, as with every attempt at poetry, they did give me the opportunity to take some stuff that was inside of me and express it outwardly, and in some sense, let it go. So that’s always a positive.